I'm Afraid of Not Being Lonely

I have created this comfortable place;

It keeps me strong from day to day.

It is where my mind will stay safe and secure

And all I will ever need is my own cold embrace.

I have conquered the world on my own.

I have learned to feel safety with no home.

Nothing can cut through this skin.

I've been training long and hard to be this happy alone.

It keeps me real in a world of pain.

It keeps me sane when I feel I am about to fall.

It gains me experience in this world full of decisions.

But madness tends to happen when it starts to rain.

I'm afraid of not being lonely.

I used to be so good at this game.

But lately I have started to wonder

If things are really better staying the same.

Oh, I've got this issue, it is very clear.

I have become too comfortable on my own.

I don't allow others to lift me up and carry me

Because of this deep, irrational fear.

You have brought to the surface what I have kept hidden.

I have been put in a confusing spell.

But I can't let it show or define me;

Which will make it impossible for you to find your way in. 

Yeah, I'm terrified of not being lonely.

So I am terrified of you.

You are strong enough to get it out of me.

But my consciousness doesn't want to let me lose this war; if only.

I am not afraid because I think too much.

That is something I am very used to.

I am only afraid because I wish to be comfortable

Only ever thinking of you.

I Admit I Am A Ridiculous Girl

This one is from June 18, 2013.

I Admit I Am A Ridiculous Girl

His smile is tender; His eyes are loving.

His words are nervous; His spirit is happy.

He smiled at me; He stared into my eyes.

Butterflies attacked me; I felt really sappy.

He asked for my name; Gave me his in return.

He needed to leave; He lingered as much as he could.

My eyes were blind to any imperfection.

I didn't want him to leave, for I'd miss him if he did.

His body was fit; His face was very handsome.

There was sweetness in his voice; There was protection in his stance.

I probable stared too much; I lost my control.

All I could do was daydream that I may have a chance.

His gaze was affectionate; His touch was gentle.

When our hands touched I wanted to melt.

He caught me off guard; I went a little mental.

I met him once and already felt this way.

I've been wishing for him all night and day.

Just to see that tender, handsome, gentle man,

Would make me the happiest girl in the world again.

My Senseless, Deepest Fear

Sorry it has been so long since I've put anything on here. I have a lot of catching up to do with saving stuff on here that I have written lately. Oops...Hopefully I will get that done soon. Here is the most recent thing I have written though. 

My Senseless, Deepest Fear

I never want to break a heart.

It has been done to me several times

And it is not something I would wish on anyone.

 I could never gladly throw that dart.

Especially at you, the gentleman of the year.

You treat me so well.

I am undeserving, and imperfect

And I get scared.

Why can't I let myself fall into the safety of your deep, loving well?

I could sleep in your strong arms for eternity

And get lost  in those big blue eyes until nothing else matters.

But I am a scared, selfish girl

And something good still terrifies the thought of you and me.

You have that checklist of qualities that I have always searched for.

So why, when the list glistens in front of my eyes,

Do I want to run away and hide?

Running is easy, until I see that heartbreak through your eyes.

Why am I so selfish when you give your whole self to me?

So much trust, love, and happiness galore.

Yet I am scared to commit and admit you may be the one.

Breaking hearts does not come easily in my nature.

You've never done anything to deserve being broken.

You're so wonderful in countless measurements and ways.

I live every day in hopes that I will finally be ready;

Ready to hope that love can cure this: my deepest fear.

I don't deserve your love,

But I cannot lose you.

The Hardest Goodbye

I like you a lot.

It feels like it may never stop.

But she likes you still

and she would hate me if she knew how I feel.

I cannot say yes to you

Because I would lose her friendship and you would too.

But I cannot say no to you

When you look at me the way that you do.

So from now on I will hide

And let the tears soak into my heart inside.

I will swallow my cries

Until I can move on without any despise.

Your friendship means the world

But it hurts so much in my chest I could hurl.

I can't make a move or get in the way,

Which is why I must hide. I just cannot stay.

She can't see the things that go on inside me.

So neither will you, because she would not leave us be.

I don't want to hurt either one of you

which is why I'll just hurt myself until I can get through.

No one will see it and my heart will mend

And I will find someone else for my happy end.

This heart inside me is weak and gets bruised, 

But my soul is stronger and knows I will not lose.

Life has a way of moving its course.

And love will come when it is meant to, not when it comes with remorse.

What the Cafeteria Window Showed Me

Sitting here alone in a cafeteria booth

I'm feeling uninspired by all the adult-youth.

They all sit in front of their laptops typing and reading away

And they don't even notice me staring at them in a kind of creepy way.

So I stare off out the window and one girl comes into my view.

She is staring off into the distance as if she's in deep thought of something new.

Her eyes sparkle with the confidence that she is on her own.

Her posture gives the sense of peace and serenity of being there alone.

Though strangers barely recognize her, she observes them all so well;

Being curious to what their stories are and if they have ever fell.

She is okay with being alone in times like this

Because she knows that coincidences do not exist.

Life has so much meaning to her.

And I know this all because

The girl whom I was staring at was my own reflection in the window-like mirror.

The Definition of a Dad

It was about 18.5 years ago that I was adopted by the most amazing dad a person could ever ask for. I know he is the only man who could have raised me to be the person I am today. I would not be the same without his example and persistent love in my life. So this one is dedicated to my one and only true dad, Talmage Alexander Trujillo Sr.

The Definition of a Dad

At one year old I could not even fathom a future or what it held.

All I knew was he could make me laugh, and could also comfort me when I fell.

At six years old he would chase me around at a playground all day long,

Then tuck me into bed at night while strumming his guitar and singing a comforting song.

At twelve years old I figured out what he was to me,

Yet I still knew without a doubt that my daddy is what he is meant to be.

The teenage years came, which left me with anger, tears, and a hurting heart,

But he never stopped saying "I love you, bud" or letting me restart.

Sixteen years began and ended with him helping me to know how much I am worth.

He never approved or let me settle for the scum of the Earth.

Graduation came and made me notice the wings he helped me grow.

Independence, he taught me, is the only way that I could ever learn all I can know.

At eighteen years I learned the facts of how I am on Earth,

But I never let myself regret my life or let me lose my own worth.

Coincidences do not exist and the label of "Dad" has to be earned.

A Dad is one who loves you, teaches you, and is always concerned.

My Dad is not necessarily the one who gave me life,

But he is the one who taught me how to live it, how to make peace, and how to get through strife.

The Therapy of Blame and Fault

This one is put more into a lyrical format. Inspiration came from past relationships/crushes/recent feelings of abandonment. (Don't worry: I'm happy. :) Writing this stuff down is my type of therapy, haha. Plus when I write it down it probably sounds 100X worse than it actually is). I'm so glad I have writing to turn to when I have no where else to go. No one can seem to want to listen to me as much as a simple pen and paper does. Haha...Cheesy...I know. ;)

The Therapy of Blame and Fault

Why can't I see the way you do?

What's wrong with this mindset I am in?

I can't be the only one who cares.

All I ever seem to get are vacant stares.

When I looked up deep into your eyes

There was never any sense of a surprise.

Who made you throw out my beating heart?

I entrusted it to you from the start.

And now I feel so alone;
Cause it's over and done 

Never to be held again.

But I'm cursed to live on strong. 

I have to make good and glad,

All the things I still have

The same way I thought you did

When life with you was grand.

Did I do something wrong that hurt you too?

What made me deserve the curves you threw?

How can I forget the things you said

When you misunderstood the thoughts inside my head?

Did my actions make you question me?

Or did I just make it way too easy?

What can I do to take it back?

Take it back, right now...

And now I feel so alone;
Cause it's over and done 

Never to be held again.

But I'm cursed to live on strong. 

I have to make good and glad,

All the things I still have

The same way I thought you did

When life with you was grand.

Move on,

Stay strong,

And say: Life's better without you anyway. (x4)

And now I feel so alone;
Cause it's over and done 

Never to be held again.

But I'm cursed to live on strong. 

I have to make good and glad,

All the things I still have

The same way I thought you did

When life with you was grand.

What made me so repulsive to you?

Why can't I just move on past this fool?

How can it be so easy to move on,

When it's very hard to forget

That there were reasons I liked him too.

Nightmare

This is inspired by some pretty sad dreams I had the other night. The one that inspired most of my writing this time wasn't necessarily horrible...It just brought to surface a lot of emotion. Don't read into it too much, but interpret it however you want of course. Writing this has actually helped me to get over the emotions I have been feeling. I've been having a hard time falling to sleep because of all the nightmares I've been having, so I'm glad I can get this all off of my mind and onto paper. Or I guess the internet. :)
(p.s. I know this isn't written out perfectly. I was just getting it all off my chest). :)

Nightmare

Now with each glistening blink of my eyes

Night-time has been something I've grown to despise 

I didn't want to leave

And I didn't want to break his heart the way he did to me

I couldn't fight this battle without having to die

I found out the truth, and the truth was he lied

I knew my strengths were meant for a different mission

How could I be so hurt yet so calm about his decision?

Where was I finding the sense in my pain?

He wore carelessness in his actions but regret and love on his face

Which was the whole reason I was going insane

His anger was his way of saying "I was wrong"

And "I'm sorry that you had to wait for so long"

I wanted so badly to be able to hold him and say everything would end up being okay

But I couldn't tell him because I couldn't stay

If I gave him my full heart, it would throw our friendship away

The embrace of hope that he gave me that day was only being seen in one heart's sight

Because on the other side was a lost mind and some tears fighting to stay out of the moonlight

This nightmare has not found my dream-catchers door

I don't have the strength to sleep anymore

I didn't want to lose 

But no matter what I decided to choose

The only way for me to win 

Was to give the win to him.

Heart of Glass

So, for all you Mormons out there, I think you would be interested to know where this inspiration of mine came from. :) I was in the Rexburg, Idaho temple last Friday and wrote a lot of stuff down about pure love. Not the "in love" type of love but the "pure love of everyone on Earth" kind of love. So I combined all those thoughts that I wrote down with some thoughts I had which were preventing me to fall asleep tonight and came up with this. I also just realized that Valentines day is this week. Perfect timing right?!
Anyways, I hope you all can take at least a little something from this.

Heart of Glass

Not one deeper emotion

Can set eternal forces into motion

It is the greatest power

It makes everything okay in your darkest hour

The comfort it ensures

Gives you hope and faith and the capacity to endure

It has no ultimate end

And brings you back into the arms on which you depend

It makes your heart look like clear glass

Which comes with the danger of breaking too fast

But be courageous and you will see

That heartbreak and trial teach you exactly how to be

Instead of only seeing the annoyances and flaws

Keep the good of others in your heart as a cause

Because everyone deserves love

It is here for the purpose to be made use of

Every living person has a beating heart

Some may be harder to reach but they can still be torn apart

So look and see them with your heart of glass

So that theirs can be opened and cared for at last

Love does not blind you

It opens your eyes

Opens them to things which would not be seen otherwise

The Feeling of No Words

You're stuck in my head

There's no getting rid of you

My heart is caught on your thread

And I can't keep you out of view

Time moves too fast

When I'm far away from you

And things in the past

Are what keep me getting through

There's no saying what the future may hold

It would be crazy to admit my thoughts of me and you

So for now all my thoughts will not quite be so bold

And I will let things happen exactly on que

I sound so irrational

My imagination is on fire for you

But I don't think these things because they're fashionable

I really am caught up in these things I can't construe

With all those smiles of comfort

Others have lost their say in how I feel about you

So for now I'll stay smart

And let your emotions shape mine too

Those Eyes

I'm not usually this easily mesmerized

It's just something about those eyes

I have to try extra hard to keep my cool

But your stare has a way of making me feel like a fool

Getting me lost is not an easy task

My heart is concealed in an armored mask

It's been broken and bruised

By too many countless dudes

But I have gotten smart

Not just anyone can meddle with my heart

Experience has me learned

To never love until it is earned

Yet those eyes make me question

My each and every past lesson

Talk is so easy to do

When staring right at you

When there are so many beautiful girls

And yet you choose the one with the long brown curls

It makes it hard to keep the armor on my heart

It curls my lips and tears my mind apart

Those eyes have seen so much

Yet they only see mine and my heart they touch

The new thoughts that are raging inside of my mind

Are clearly being made and defined

by THOSE EYES