My Senseless, Deepest Fear

Sorry it has been so long since I've put anything on here. I have a lot of catching up to do with saving stuff on here that I have written lately. Oops...Hopefully I will get that done soon. Here is the most recent thing I have written though. 

My Senseless, Deepest Fear

I never want to break a heart.

It has been done to me several times

And it is not something I would wish on anyone.

 I could never gladly throw that dart.

Especially at you, the gentleman of the year.

You treat me so well.

I am undeserving, and imperfect

And I get scared.

Why can't I let myself fall into the safety of your deep, loving well?

I could sleep in your strong arms for eternity

And get lost  in those big blue eyes until nothing else matters.

But I am a scared, selfish girl

And something good still terrifies the thought of you and me.

You have that checklist of qualities that I have always searched for.

So why, when the list glistens in front of my eyes,

Do I want to run away and hide?

Running is easy, until I see that heartbreak through your eyes.

Why am I so selfish when you give your whole self to me?

So much trust, love, and happiness galore.

Yet I am scared to commit and admit you may be the one.

Breaking hearts does not come easily in my nature.

You've never done anything to deserve being broken.

You're so wonderful in countless measurements and ways.

I live every day in hopes that I will finally be ready;

Ready to hope that love can cure this: my deepest fear.

I don't deserve your love,

But I cannot lose you.

The Hardest Goodbye

I like you a lot.

It feels like it may never stop.

But she likes you still

and she would hate me if she knew how I feel.

I cannot say yes to you

Because I would lose her friendship and you would too.

But I cannot say no to you

When you look at me the way that you do.

So from now on I will hide

And let the tears soak into my heart inside.

I will swallow my cries

Until I can move on without any despise.

Your friendship means the world

But it hurts so much in my chest I could hurl.

I can't make a move or get in the way,

Which is why I must hide. I just cannot stay.

She can't see the things that go on inside me.

So neither will you, because she would not leave us be.

I don't want to hurt either one of you

which is why I'll just hurt myself until I can get through.

No one will see it and my heart will mend

And I will find someone else for my happy end.

This heart inside me is weak and gets bruised, 

But my soul is stronger and knows I will not lose.

Life has a way of moving its course.

And love will come when it is meant to, not when it comes with remorse.

What the Cafeteria Window Showed Me

Sitting here alone in a cafeteria booth

I'm feeling uninspired by all the adult-youth.

They all sit in front of their laptops typing and reading away

And they don't even notice me staring at them in a kind of creepy way.

So I stare off out the window and one girl comes into my view.

She is staring off into the distance as if she's in deep thought of something new.

Her eyes sparkle with the confidence that she is on her own.

Her posture gives the sense of peace and serenity of being there alone.

Though strangers barely recognize her, she observes them all so well;

Being curious to what their stories are and if they have ever fell.

She is okay with being alone in times like this

Because she knows that coincidences do not exist.

Life has so much meaning to her.

And I know this all because

The girl whom I was staring at was my own reflection in the window-like mirror.

The Definition of a Dad

It was about 18.5 years ago that I was adopted by the most amazing dad a person could ever ask for. I know he is the only man who could have raised me to be the person I am today. I would not be the same without his example and persistent love in my life. So this one is dedicated to my one and only true dad, Talmage Alexander Trujillo Sr.

The Definition of a Dad

At one year old I could not even fathom a future or what it held.

All I knew was he could make me laugh, and could also comfort me when I fell.

At six years old he would chase me around at a playground all day long,

Then tuck me into bed at night while strumming his guitar and singing a comforting song.

At twelve years old I figured out what he was to me,

Yet I still knew without a doubt that my daddy is what he is meant to be.

The teenage years came, which left me with anger, tears, and a hurting heart,

But he never stopped saying "I love you, bud" or letting me restart.

Sixteen years began and ended with him helping me to know how much I am worth.

He never approved or let me settle for the scum of the Earth.

Graduation came and made me notice the wings he helped me grow.

Independence, he taught me, is the only way that I could ever learn all I can know.

At eighteen years I learned the facts of how I am on Earth,

But I never let myself regret my life or let me lose my own worth.

Coincidences do not exist and the label of "Dad" has to be earned.

A Dad is one who loves you, teaches you, and is always concerned.

My Dad is not necessarily the one who gave me life,

But he is the one who taught me how to live it, how to make peace, and how to get through strife.

The Therapy of Blame and Fault

This one is put more into a lyrical format. Inspiration came from past relationships/crushes/recent feelings of abandonment. (Don't worry: I'm happy. :) Writing this stuff down is my type of therapy, haha. Plus when I write it down it probably sounds 100X worse than it actually is). I'm so glad I have writing to turn to when I have no where else to go. No one can seem to want to listen to me as much as a simple pen and paper does. Haha...Cheesy...I know. ;)

The Therapy of Blame and Fault

Why can't I see the way you do?

What's wrong with this mindset I am in?

I can't be the only one who cares.

All I ever seem to get are vacant stares.

When I looked up deep into your eyes

There was never any sense of a surprise.

Who made you throw out my beating heart?

I entrusted it to you from the start.

And now I feel so alone;
Cause it's over and done 

Never to be held again.

But I'm cursed to live on strong. 

I have to make good and glad,

All the things I still have

The same way I thought you did

When life with you was grand.

Did I do something wrong that hurt you too?

What made me deserve the curves you threw?

How can I forget the things you said

When you misunderstood the thoughts inside my head?

Did my actions make you question me?

Or did I just make it way too easy?

What can I do to take it back?

Take it back, right now...

And now I feel so alone;
Cause it's over and done 

Never to be held again.

But I'm cursed to live on strong. 

I have to make good and glad,

All the things I still have

The same way I thought you did

When life with you was grand.

Move on,

Stay strong,

And say: Life's better without you anyway. (x4)

And now I feel so alone;
Cause it's over and done 

Never to be held again.

But I'm cursed to live on strong. 

I have to make good and glad,

All the things I still have

The same way I thought you did

When life with you was grand.

What made me so repulsive to you?

Why can't I just move on past this fool?

How can it be so easy to move on,

When it's very hard to forget

That there were reasons I liked him too.

Nightmare

This is inspired by some pretty sad dreams I had the other night. The one that inspired most of my writing this time wasn't necessarily horrible...It just brought to surface a lot of emotion. Don't read into it too much, but interpret it however you want of course. Writing this has actually helped me to get over the emotions I have been feeling. I've been having a hard time falling to sleep because of all the nightmares I've been having, so I'm glad I can get this all off of my mind and onto paper. Or I guess the internet. :)
(p.s. I know this isn't written out perfectly. I was just getting it all off my chest). :)

Nightmare

Now with each glistening blink of my eyes

Night-time has been something I've grown to despise 

I didn't want to leave

And I didn't want to break his heart the way he did to me

I couldn't fight this battle without having to die

I found out the truth, and the truth was he lied

I knew my strengths were meant for a different mission

How could I be so hurt yet so calm about his decision?

Where was I finding the sense in my pain?

He wore carelessness in his actions but regret and love on his face

Which was the whole reason I was going insane

His anger was his way of saying "I was wrong"

And "I'm sorry that you had to wait for so long"

I wanted so badly to be able to hold him and say everything would end up being okay

But I couldn't tell him because I couldn't stay

If I gave him my full heart, it would throw our friendship away

The embrace of hope that he gave me that day was only being seen in one heart's sight

Because on the other side was a lost mind and some tears fighting to stay out of the moonlight

This nightmare has not found my dream-catchers door

I don't have the strength to sleep anymore

I didn't want to lose 

But no matter what I decided to choose

The only way for me to win 

Was to give the win to him.

Heart of Glass

So, for all you Mormons out there, I think you would be interested to know where this inspiration of mine came from. :) I was in the Rexburg, Idaho temple last Friday and wrote a lot of stuff down about pure love. Not the "in love" type of love but the "pure love of everyone on Earth" kind of love. So I combined all those thoughts that I wrote down with some thoughts I had which were preventing me to fall asleep tonight and came up with this. I also just realized that Valentines day is this week. Perfect timing right?!
Anyways, I hope you all can take at least a little something from this.

Heart of Glass

Not one deeper emotion

Can set eternal forces into motion

It is the greatest power

It makes everything okay in your darkest hour

The comfort it ensures

Gives you hope and faith and the capacity to endure

It has no ultimate end

And brings you back into the arms on which you depend

It makes your heart look like clear glass

Which comes with the danger of breaking too fast

But be courageous and you will see

That heartbreak and trial teach you exactly how to be

Instead of only seeing the annoyances and flaws

Keep the good of others in your heart as a cause

Because everyone deserves love

It is here for the purpose to be made use of

Every living person has a beating heart

Some may be harder to reach but they can still be torn apart

So look and see them with your heart of glass

So that theirs can be opened and cared for at last

Love does not blind you

It opens your eyes

Opens them to things which would not be seen otherwise